I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
