I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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