I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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