i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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