I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
