Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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