mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My vagina is officially offended.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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