I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize