I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
