We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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