i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
