the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize