I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
