You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
