Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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