Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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