just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize