I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
