yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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