Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
