It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
