I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
