I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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