I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
