You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
