Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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