he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
