Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I forgot wine drunk hurts
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize