My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize