Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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