Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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