Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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