I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
