your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize