i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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