my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
