OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
did i just pee glitter
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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