So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
