what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
