I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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