i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
