Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize