So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
false alarm, still single
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
