covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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