based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
