I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize