My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
