woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
