just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
