what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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