She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
