Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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