I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize