how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize