I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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