i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize