dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize