Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize