I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize