"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
