The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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